Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Trey's Law Community

Question 1

I recently sent a photo of myself from the waist down to a 21 year old I met online who asked me to take my pants off. My face wasn't in that photo but I had sent two photos of my face before it. He knew how old I am. I blocked him and logged out after, and the messages were set to disappear so he can't replay them, but I'm scared he screenshotted it before they did. I feel so gross and like a terrible person. I have a therapist and I want to tell her but I'm scared she'll be legally required to report it. If I told her this happened a year ago, would she keep it to herself? I experienced COCSA when I was young and ever since then I have felt pulled toward situations where I might get hurt, but I never thought I would actually do something like this. I still don't fully understand why I went through with it. I am spiraling. Please help.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not a terrible person. What you are feeling right now is shame, and shame has a way of making us feel like we are the problem when the situation is the problem. Let's slow this down.

What happened here was not equal. An older person asked you to do something they knew was wrong, and you, still carrying years of unprocessed trauma, did it. The responsibility for this situation belongs to them, not to you. Adults who ask for sexual images and know the other person is younger are the ones causing harm. You were the one being targeted. The shame you are feeling right now is pointing itself in the wrong direction.

The COCSA you experienced as a child, child-on-child sexual abuse, shaped the way your nervous system understands pain, closeness, and the pull toward situations that feel dangerous. You said yourself you didn't do it for pleasure and you knew it was wrong but did it anyway. That is not moral failure. That is a trauma pattern in motion, the same one we talked about before. When harm happens early in life, the mind can move toward familiar territory even when that territory is painful, because it is what was learned first. To a nervous system shaped by early trauma, familiar can feel almost like safety. Understanding that does not erase the discomfort of what happened, but it does mean you are not broken and you are not bad. Blocking him and logging out was the right instinct. You protected yourself as soon as something in you caught up to what was happening. Hold onto that.

On the therapist question, because I know that is the part making you spiral most. Mandatory reporting laws vary depending on where you live, but here is how they generally work. If you are under 18, a therapist may be required to report sexual contact or solicitation of images by an adult, because the law treats that as abuse regardless of whether you felt like a willing participant. If you are 18 or older, the calculus is different. Therapists still have reporting obligations in some situations, but the threshold is generally higher and they tend to have more discretion, especially when the situation is in the past and you are no longer in contact with the person. In either case, the contact being over and you having blocked him matters. Ongoing danger is what triggers the most urgent reporting obligations. A past situation that you are bringing to therapy because you want help processing it is handled differently in many places.

What I can tell you is that if you think telling her could be helpful, you could start by asking her directly before you share the details. You could frame it like: "I want to talk about something that happened and I am scared about what might happen if I tell you. Can we talk first about when you are and are not required to report something?" Most therapists will answer that honestly, and it gives you information before you decide how much to share. You are allowed to ask that.

On the fear about screenshots...there is a free and confidential tool called Take It Down, run by the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, that allows people to report and request removal of images without having to share them publicly. You can find it at takeitdown.ncmec.org. It was built exactly for situations like this one.

You reached out here, you blocked him, and you are asking the right questions. That is not what a terrible person does. Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 2

When I was around 7 years old, I experienced sexual abuse by another boy the same age as me. I pushed those feelings down for years and it mostly worked, but after my first breakup recently, everything came rushing back. Now I can't stop thinking about wanting someone to hurt me the same way, but worse. I even find myself thinking about how to get with an older person to make that happen. I know it doesn't make sense, but the wanting feels real and I don't know where it's coming from. I also feel this weird anxiety about getting older, like there is a window closing and I am running out of time to feel this way. I also feel like if I actually went through with it and got hurt, it would be my fault because I was the one looking for it. Am I a bad person for feeling this way?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this. You are not a bad person and what you are feeling has a real explanation.

What you are describing sounds like something clinicians call trauma reenactment, and it is one of the most documented and least talked-about responses to early sexual trauma. When something overwhelming happens to a child before they have any framework for understanding their own body or what safety means, the brain can get stuck trying to finish what it never got to resolve. Think of it like a song that got cut off in the middle. The mind keeps reaching for the ending, even when the ending it is reaching for is painful. The wanting you feel is not a reflection of who you are. It is your nervous system still trying to make sense of something that happened when you were seven.

Your breakup almost certainly cracked something open. Loss and grief have a way of reaching down and pulling up older pain, especially pain around powerlessness or feeling like your body did not belong to you. The COCSA you experienced, child-on-child sexual abuse, was exactly that kind of wound. And now, hurting in a new way, your mind is reaching toward the pattern it already knows. Disorienting and frightening, yes. Gross or shameful, no.

The anxiety you named about time running out is worth paying attention to. What that feeling is telling you is that this urge feels urgent and time-limited, like there is a window closing. There is not. Urgency is part of how trauma patterns work, not a signal that you need to act before it is too late. There is no deadline on any of this.

On the question of fault...if an adult were to pursue you or agree to hurt you, the responsibility for that harm would belong entirely to them, regardless of what you wanted or asked for. Wanting something, even something that would hurt you, does not transfer blame onto you for what another person chooses to do.

What you actually need is not someone to hurt you. It is a safe place to work through the pain you are already carrying. A trauma-informed therapist who has experience with early childhood sexual abuse can help you untangle the reenactment pattern without requiring you to be hurt again to do it. If accessing a therapist feels out of reach right now, starting with a school counselor or a trusted adult is a real first step. You do not have to figure out the whole path, just the next door.

You reached out here instead of acting on this. That matters. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 3

When I was 5 or 6 years old, my neighbor and I started imitating sexual things we had seen on TV. No one had ever explained any of it to us. My parents were never home, and the most anyone ever said about what I was seeing was that it was "wrong." I was the one who suggested we try it. We both felt uncomfortable when we did, and I told her we should stop. But I still feel sick about it. I told my mom and she hit me. Then I went back to my neighbor's house and she greeted me with a smile, asking about the "game," but when I told her we should stop because it was wrong, she pulled away. We were so proud thinking we knew everything, but we really had no idea what we were doing. Why did I show her that? I feel disgusted with myself.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. It sounds like what happened between you and your neighbor, at five and six years old, was sexual play rooted in curiosity and imitation, not predation or something that tells us anything dark about who you were or who you are. Children at that age do not have the cognitive or emotional architecture to understand sexuality. What they do have is curiosity, a drive to imitate, and absolutely no filter when adults are not explaining what they are seeing. Research in child development is clear that sexual curiosity and exploratory play between same-age children is a documented, normal part of development. What was not normal was what surrounded it...adult content left on in an unsupervised home, no adults who could explain what you were seeing in a safe way, and then a mother who responded to your reaching out with physical punishment instead of care.

The pride you both felt, that sense of thinking you knew something grown-up, is completely recognizable. Children often act confident about things they do not understand, especially when a topic feels adult and off-limits. You were two kids trying to make sense of something way too big for either of you, handed to you by a world that was supposed to protect you from it. There is something worth holding gently about that, for both of you.

What is really worth sitting with is that you were the one who stopped it. You felt discomfort, you noticed your friend's reaction, you named it, and you ended it. Then when she smiled and asked to continue, you held the line even after your mother's response had already taught you that speaking up brought pain. At five or six years old. The disgust you feel is not evidence of guilt. It is what happens when an experience gets met with shame and punishment instead of gentle correction, and the nervous system files it away as something to feel bad about forever. Shame also has a way of distorting memory, making the past feel more deliberate or more wrong than it actually was. The disgust is not telling you the truth about who you were.

Your mother hitting you when you came to her in confusion and honesty added another layer onto something you were already struggling to carry. That response taught you that your instincts about something being wrong were dangerous to voice. The shame got attached to you when it belonged to the circumstances around you.

If this memory keeps returning with the same weight, a trauma-informed therapist would be worth seeking out. If therapy is not accessible right now, consider writing a letter to your six-year-old self. Not to go over what happened again, but simply to say what should have been said to her then. What did that child need to hear? Sometimes putting that on paper begins to shift something.

The shame you are carrying belongs to the circumstances that exposed a child to adult content without guidance, not to the child who was trying to make sense of what she saw. You knew to stop. You have always known more than you are giving yourself credit for.

Question 4

I'm a man in my 30s and I was a perpetrator of COCSA as a child. I've been confronting this for the first time over the past five months, and aside from a therapist I've been completely alone in it. It has been hell. The bone-deep shame that other perpetrators describe here resonates deeply with me. But I'm emotionally burnt out at this point, and I have a major decision coming this summer. I'm trying to decide whether or not to talk directly to the person I hurt about what happened. I welcome any advice and caution.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. What you are carrying right now is real and the fact that you are five months into this work and still standing is not nothing. Emotional burnout in this process is not a sign that something is wrong with you. It is a sign that you have been doing something genuinely hard without much support around you.

So let's talk about the decision you are approaching...

Restorative justice practitioners and trauma researchers have learned over decades that when the person who caused harm reaches out first, without being invited to, it can hurt the survivor all over again, even when the intention is genuine. The person you hurt may have spent years building a life where this does not take up space every day. They may not have ever named what happened as abuse. They may know exactly what it was and have made a deliberate choice not to go back there. Whatever the case, reaching out puts them in a position they did not ask to be in, and takes away their choice about whether to engage with this at all.

None of that means a conversation can never have a place. Some survivors of COCSA have described receiving an acknowledgment from the person who harmed them as meaningful years later. But the critical difference in those situations is almost always the same. The disclosure was structured so that the survivor had genuine choice about whether to engage. A letter they can put down, read later, or never open is structurally different from a phone call or an in-person conversation where they are suddenly required to respond in real time to something they were not expecting. The format of disclosure matters as much as the content.

Something worth doing before any decision about contact is to write a letter you do not send, at least not yet. Write it as if you were going to send it. Name what happened clearly, take full responsibility without minimizing or explaining it away, and ask for nothing. The act of writing it often reveals something important: whether what you are really reaching for is honesty with the person you hurt, or relief from your own weight. Both are human impulses. Only one of them belongs in a decision about contact. Decades of research on expressive writing show that putting difficult experiences into words on the page, without any audience, does significant internal work on its own.

The other thing I want to name honestly is where you are right now. Five months in, emotionally depleted, still largely alone in this. Making a significant decision from a place of depletion carries real risk, not because your intentions are wrong, but because exhaustion can blur the line between what is right for them and what would bring relief to you. Before summer, bring this specific decision, not just your general processing, directly into your therapy. Ask your therapist to work through it explicitly, including the format, the timing, and what you would do if the response is anger, silence, or nothing at all.

One more resource worth knowing about: Stop It Now runs a confidential helpline at 1-888-PREVENT, staffed by people with experience in exactly this kind of decision. You have been carrying this mostly alone, and that is a lot to sustain. They exist for people in your situation.

You are doing hard, necessary work. Take the time it deserves. Thank you for thinking so deeply about this.

Question 5

Me and another 13-year-old were hanging out after school like we usually did. He asked me if I wanted to do "stuff," and I hesitated at first before saying yes. I've never told anyone. Does saying yes mean it wasn't COCSA?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this. To answer your question directly, saying yes does not automatically close the question of whether this experience was fully consensual or whether it left a mark on you. But I also want to be honest with you that what you've described sits in genuinely complex territory, and only you can decide what language, if any, feels right for your own experience.

Here is what we know about consent, even between peers the same age. Consent isn't just the absence of a "no," and it isn't just the presence of a "yes." Real consent is freely given, meaning it comes from a place of genuine understanding and comfort, with the real ability to say no without consequences. You mentioned hesitating before you said yes. That hesitation is worth paying attention to. It's your mind and body signaling that something felt uncertain. A hesitant yes from someone who had just turned 13 is not the same as a freely given, informed agreement.

Age also matters in ways people don't always expect. At 13, the brain is still developing, particularly the parts responsible for weighing consequences, recognizing social pressure, and understanding your own feelings in the moment. Research in adolescent neuroscience is consistent on this. Young teenagers are not yet fully equipped to navigate the weight of sexual decisions, even with a peer the same age. At the same time, it's worth holding that the other person was also 13, also still developing, and likely not acting from a place of malice. Peer sexual curiosity at this age is a real thing, and not every experience between young people of similar ages constitutes abuse. What matters more than any label is how the experience actually landed for you.

The confusion you're sitting with now is completely normal. Many people who had sexual contact during adolescence spend years questioning whether what happened "counts," especially when they said yes and no force was involved. The questioning itself is not a sign that nothing happened. It often means something did register as significant, and your mind is still working through it.

What is worth sitting with is how you actually feel about it. Does it sit uncomfortably with you? Have you found yourself thinking about it more than you expected? Has it affected how you feel about yourself, or about being close to people? Those feelings deserve to be taken seriously regardless of what you call the experience, or whether you call it anything at all.

You also mentioned you haven't told anyone. Silence can feel protective, and it can also get heavy over time. You don't have to have everything figured out before you talk to someone. You can bring exactly the uncertainty you brought here. If you have access to a school counselor or therapist, even one conversation framed as "something confusing happened and I'm trying to make sense of it" is enough to start.

Thank you again for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 6

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 7

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

Survivors can experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, especially if they believe they experienced sexual arousal. Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. Arousal can be caused by fear, excitation transfer, nerve stimulation, or other factors. It is possible that your body's natural response to physical stimulation was triggered during your experience, even if those feelings are not wanted or desired.

To bring forward some research, of those who report sexual violence, it is estimated that around 1 in 20 people also describe experiencing orgasm. But the true numbers are likely much higher. For example, in a 2004 review paper, a clinician reports, “I (have) met quite a lot of victims (males) who had the full sexual response during sexual abuse…I (have) met several female victims of incest and rape who had lubrication and orgasm.” This further emphasizes that this is something many people struggle with, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. I know it can feel embarassing to bring this up to your therapist, but if they have a background in sexual trauma, this is probably something they have heard before from other clients. Trained mental health providers can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions. If you feel your therapist will not understand, perhaps you would benefit from some complementary support from others who are more knowledgable about the diverse ways trauma and violence can manifest. You do not need to go through this alone.

Thank you for asking this tough question. We are here for you if you need us.

Question 8

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 9

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abuse is reported to the authorities.

There are many reasons why survivors may feel hesitant to report their experience. We will list a few of these reasons below:

It is not safe for them to report the assault at this time or they fear perpetrator or family retaliation.
They want to put the incident behind them or forget it happened.
They aren’t sure that what happened meets the legal definition of sexual assault or rape.
They are in shock.
They feel shame or self-blame.
They fear not being believed or being socially isolated from friends or family
They fear being blamed.
They fear being revictimized by law enforcement or the court.
They fear that they will not receive justice.
They fear that their offender will not be held accountable.

Whatever the reason, and there are many more, remember that ultimately it is the survivor's choice whether or not they want to report their experience. For some, reporting is not necessary for their healing. Others just do not want to go through any additional trauma or heartache. Support and respect the choices the survivors in your life make related to reporting. This will make you a valuable ally as they navigate healing in the aftermath.

References

Rennison, C. A. (2002). Rape and sexual assault: Reporting to police and medical attention, 1992-2000 [NCJ 194530]. Retrieved from the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/rsarp00.pdf

Hanson, R. F., Resnick, H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse and Neglect, 23,559–569. doi:10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00028-9

Question 10

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Accepted Answer

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement.  However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you have not had much practice. First, think about what your needs and limits are. This can include the level of financial, emotional, and physical help you are willing to provide. When you are ready, share with your loved one in a calm situation, rather than in the heat of the moment. Use “I” statements to show your perspective. After you have communicated these boundaries, it is important to follow through and re-emphasize them when needed. Resist feelings of guilt. This does not mean you do not care about them.

You can also help by suggesting other means of support. Therapists or local crisis centers have experience working with people with trauma and are trained to help. You may also find these services helpful for your own processing. It is not uncommon for local crisis centers to  also offer services for loved ones of those who have experienced trauma.

Just because someone has experienced trauma, does not mean that they have a right to take their anger out on you. If you feel that you are being verbally, physically, or sexually harmed, set a limit if it feels safe, remove yourself from the situation, and seek help if you need it.

It can be difficult to help your friends if you run out of emotional or physical energy. Focusing on your own self-care is not selfish, it sometimes may be necessary. As the saying goes, put your mask on first...then offer assistance.

Question 11

Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA): Can a victim be older than their perpetrator?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. Yes, it is possible for a victim of child-on-child sexual abuse to be older than their perpetrator. Child-on-child sexual abuse involves a minor engaging in sexually abusive behavior towards another minor. In such cases, the age difference between the survivor and the perpetrator can vary, and it is not solely dependent on the chronological age of the individuals involved.

Factors such as the emotional, cognitive, and physical development of the individuals, as well as the power dynamics within the relationship, can contribute to situations where an older child is the victim of sexual abuse by a younger child. These dynamics can be complex and influenced by various factors, including social and environmental conditions, family circumstances, exposure to inappropriate behaviors, and lack of proper education on boundaries and consent.

If you experienced child-on-child sexual abuse, you are not alone.

Question 12

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

Question 13

Is it sexual assault if I said no several times, but the other person kept insisting until I eventually said yes?

Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry you went through this. What you're describing is a situation where your initial boundaries were clear. You said no multiple times. When someone continues to pressure you after you've declined, wearing you down until you agree, that "yes" isn't freely given. Consent requires that both people feel comfortable and respected in their decision. If you felt like you had to say "yes" just to stop the repeated insisting, or because you were exhausted by the pressure, it's understandable that this experience would leave you feeling violated.

Sexual assault doesn't only happen with physical force. It can also occur through coercion, where someone's repeated requests wear you down until you feel you have no other option but to agree. Coercion removes genuine consent because real consent needs to be freely given, not obtained through persistence, pressure, or manipulation.

You did nothing wrong by initially refusing and later giving in under pressure. It's completely understandable to question what happened and whether it "counts" as assault. Many survivors struggle with this exact question, especially when they eventually said yes. It can be confusing to recognize that a reluctant "yes" doesn't automatically mean there was genuine consent. But here's what matters: you tried to hold your boundary. You communicated what you wanted, or rather, what you didn't want. The fact that someone kept pushing past those stated boundaries until you relented doesn't mean you truly consented. It means you were worn down.

Your feelings about what happened matter, and if it was distressing or felt forced, your discomfort is valid. What you experienced was a violation of your boundaries. Whether you call it sexual assault or not is entirely up to you. Some people find that naming it helps them process what happened, while others don't feel that label fits their experience. Both responses are okay. What matters most is that you weren't treated with the respect you deserved, and what happened to you wasn't right.

You deserve support and understanding as you sort through these complex emotions. It may help to find someone you trust or a professional resource to talk with about how this is impacting you. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 14

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. What you've described is a complex and confusing situation that some children face, but aren't sure how to make sense of as adults. Developmentally, it's common for children, especially young ones, to explore their bodies and engage in sexual play with other children as part of learning about their bodies and sexuality. In this vein, some degree of exploratory play between siblings is also not unusual, particularly if there hasn't been a lot of education about boundaries. However, depending on the specific circumstances, duration, and aftermath of sibling sexual play, these experiences can sometimes fall into a complex area known as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA).

There are many reasons a young child might initiate sexual behavior. In some cases, it may be a sign that they themselves have experienced abuse and are acting out what was done to them. However, even children who have not been abused may engage in sexual behavior due to curiosity, lack of boundaries, imitating something they saw in media, seeking physical closeness, or simply discovering that touching certain body parts feels good. At 6 years old, your sibling likely did not fully grasp the implications of their actions or have any abusive intent.

However, this doesn't necessarily mean the experience was harmless for you. Even when the other child is quite young and the touch felt physically pleasurable, sibling sexual experiences can still feel violating or traumatic, especially from an adult perspective. If you're struggling with distress, shame, confusion or other difficult emotions related to this memory, your feelings are valid. The events may have impacted you in ways that are worth processing with a compassionate professional.

You might consider reaching out to a counselor who has experience helping adults work through confusing or distressing childhood sexual experiences. They can provide a safe, non-judgmental space for you to explore your memories and feelings. If you feel safe and comfortable, you could also consider discussing the situation with your sibling to get a sense of their perspective and experience. They may be struggling with their own conflicted feelings and memories. However, don't feel obligated to take this step if it doesn't feel right to you.

Most importantly, remember that you were a child dealing with a situation you should never have had to navigate alone. Practice self-compassion as you reflect on and work through this experience. What happened was not your fault. Reach out for further processing and help if you need it. Thank you again for trusting us with this experience.

Question 15

I think I might've been groomed and sexually abused as a child, but my memory feels very scrambled. I feel guilty for thinking I might've been assaulted, what do I do?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this question.

To start, you are not alone. It is quite common for individuals who are processing childhood trauma to feel guilt, shame, and confusion. It is also common for survivors to not want to believe what happened to them was real, or for them to have memory gaps surrounding certain details of these events. Only you know what you have experienced, but here are some of our thoughts below.

If you think you experienced sexual abuse as a child, remember in its simplest form, child sexual abuse is any sexual encounter that occurs between a child and an older person (as children cannot legally consent to sexual acts). This abuse may involve contact, like touching or penetration. It also includes non-contact cases, like "flashing" or child pornography. The age under which one is considered a child varies by state and sometimes an age differential between the perpetrator and the victim is required.

Labeling your experience is up to you, but for many, putting a name to it allows them to more effectively deal with the feelings they are experiencing in the aftermath. Others would rather not label their experiences and prefer to spend their time looking forward. This is also a strategy you may consider, as long as you feel safe now and the memories you are having are not causing you any distress. Be sure you are not suffering in silence. There are people out there who can support you.

Grooming is when someone builds a relationship, trust, or emotional connection with a young person or their family so that they can manipulate, exploit, and abuse them. Signs of grooming often include:

1. Targeting the young person

2. Building trust with the young person and their family

3. Isolating the young person

4. Initiating sexual abuse and securing secrecy

If this sounds like what you experienced, then it would make sense why you feel so confused. Remember no matter what happened, it is never your fault. Honor the feelings you are having.

It is also not uncommon for memories of childhood trauma to emerge in adulthood and for you to want to seek help for this experience now. In fact, around 70% of child sexual abuse cases are thought to be disclosed during adulthood. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse often have difficulties speaking up about their experience and remembering exact details. Sometimes ‘forgetting’ becomes your brain’s way of surviving and coping.

If you are now remembering scattered details or having vivid memories, it might make sense to try to work through those with a trained mental health professional. If you are unable to make sense of the memories you have, or have blocks of time where you have no memory at all, you may also want to work with a mental health professional to try to retrieve those memories when you are ready. You will want to find a therapist who specifically specializes in trauma or posttraumatic stress disorder. You could also reach out to your local rape crisis center. These centers are typically free of charge and can direct you to resources to support you. Once you have some more answers, you can then decide what you would like to do next.

If you have additional questions or want to begin talking through your experience now, you can reach out to the National Sexual Assault Hotline which is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week: Terms of Service - Online Hotline (rainn.org) . They will listen to what you have to say and will direct you to resources in your local area.

It can be very disorienting to process a traumatic experience that happened when you were a child. While the feelings that you are having are not uncommon, it does not make them any less painful. Resist the guilt you may be feeling. You deserve to feel safe and to be supported in your healing journey. Trust your gut and honor all the emotions that come along the way. Recognize you have a community of survivors behind you. You are not alone.

Question 16

Why can sharing your trauma story be therapeutic?

Accepted Answer

Sharing your story is an important part of the healing journey after trauma. Assessing whether or not you are ready to share your story, however, is a deeply personal and can be influenced by a variety of factors.

Before you start, consider why you want to share your story. This can help you make decisions about how you share your story and who you share it with. Be clear about your intentions and what you hope to achieve by sharing your story. This will increase the likelihood that the act of sharing will be a therapeutic experience for you. To learn more about things to consider before you begin, read this FAQ.

If you are feeling ready, survivors often note that sharing their story was the first step to making meaning of their experience, finding support, and regaining control. In general, survivors often describe a process of moving from silence and shame to freedom and empowerment after sharing their story either publically or with someone they trust. Other benefits noted include emotional processing, experiencing validation from others, receiving social support, identifying healthy and unhealthy coping strategies, and feeling catharsis by releasing pent-up feelings and tension related to trauma.

Sharing your experiences with others can help you process intense emotions. For example, traumatic events can make you feel isolated and like no one else can understand what you're going through. By telling your story, you may find that others can relate to your experiences, making you feel less alone and more validated in your emotions and reactions. Trauma can also lead to feelings of shame and guilt, even when what you experienced was not your fault. Opening up about these emotions can help dispel them and replace them with a more realistic understanding of the events.

While there are many ways you can share your story, at Our Wave we aim to create a safe and anonymous space for story sharing online. This is because, for some, online outlets are the safest or most comfortable place to share their experience for the first time. Others turn to online platforms when they feel inadequate social support, are seeking tailored information, or do not have access to in-person services. Sharing your story online has been shown to be helpful due to the ability of the internet to foster virtual communities of less visible groups, amplify non-traditional narratives to contradict normative perceptions of trauma and violence, and bring together people with similar experiences to validate and learn from each other. Further, online story sharing has been shown to improve trauma coping, meaning-making, and feelings of fulfillment through helping others. By reading the stories of others, survivors can find emotional support while breaking down myths that their experience is not “serious enough” to seek help for. By challenging these narratives, new narratives can emerge and a gateway to seeking help may be opened.

Because of the power of story sharing, there are some therapeutic techniques that help survivors use storytelling to "cognitively repraise" or reevaluate and reframe the event's meaning in their life. This can help survivors gain a sense of control over their trauma narrative as well as lead to a potentially new perspective and understanding. Traumatic experiences can be fragmented and disjointed in memory. By verbalizing the events, memories can slowly become integrated into a more cohesive format, making them easier to process and understand.

It's important to note that while sharing your story can be therapeutic for many, you might not be ready to tell your story today and that is okay. If you are feeling ready, consider sharing your story with our community here. Stories matter and are the only way we can amplify the lived experiences of survivors. You are not alone.

Question 17

I was exposed to adult content online at a very young age (8-9) when given unrestricted internet access. This led me to engage in inappropriate sexual behavior with my younger sister on one occasion. Even though I've told my parents and closest friends who all believe I deserve forgiveness, I'm consumed by guilt and feel like I don't deserve anything good in my life. How do I move forward from this?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this. I hear the pain and remorse in your words and I understand why the memory of that moment continues to trouble you. What you're describing is actually more common than many people realize, and your feelings of guilt show both your moral development and your capacity for empathy. From what you've described, you were both very young at the time, navigating curiosity about things you'd seen that you were not old enough to process. While it may feel overwhelming, it is important to remember that you were a child without the knowledge or context to fully grasp the meaning or consequences of the behavior.

When children are exposed to sexual content before they're developmentally ready to understand it, they sometimes act out what they've seen without comprehending the full meaning or impact. This is called "problematic sexual behavior" in children, and it's fundamentally different from adult sexual abuse because it lacks the intent, power dynamics, and understanding that characterize adult perpetration. Children at that age often explore or mimic what they encounter, especially when they're exposed to adult content too soon. Your brain at 8-9 years old simply wasn't equipped to understand the adult content you encountered or to predict the consequences of recreating what you saw. This does not make you a bad person.

The guilt you feel now shows how seriously you take what happened and how deeply you care about doing the right thing. Your parents and friends believe you deserve a second chance because they see who you are now and recognize that you were a child exploring and reacting to confusing experiences. They understand this developmental context and are responding with compassion because children who engage in these behaviors typically do so because they're trying to make sense of something they witnessed but couldn't fully process.

Moving forward involves recognizing that you were also a victim in this situation -- a victim of premature sexualization through unrestricted internet access. While you take appropriate responsibility for your actions, you don't need to carry adult-level guilt for childhood behavior that resulted from your own exposure to harmful content. It might also help to remind yourself that one regretful action does not define your worth or your future, especially when it happened at such a young age. You acknowledged the harm, you've talked about it, and you're striving to be accountable. That willingness to face what happened and to seek healthy ways to cope shows personal growth.

If you continue to feel overwhelmed by shame or disgust, it might help to speak with a trusted professional who understands childhood development and can offer a safe space to process your feelings. Many people have found that learning more about how early exposure to explicit material affects children can bring understanding and self-compassion over time. Children who engage in problematic sexual behavior can and do grow up to be healthy, caring adults who contribute positively to the world. The shame you're carrying is understandable but not proportionate to your actual moral responsibility as a child who was inadequately protected from harmful content.

You deserve kindness and understanding, both from yourself and from others, as you continue to move forward. Healing is possible, and you absolutely deserve to build a meaningful, connected life free from the weight of childhood mistakes made without full understanding. Thank you so much for reaching out to us.

Question 18

When I was a child, my parents repeatedly forced enemas on me. I remember screaming and begging to stop then finally giving in, freezing and dissociating. I've only recently (30 years later) had the courage to recall this memory, of which I used to have flashbacks that made me sick. My parents are nice people, but I feel like I am a survivor of a kind of sexual abuse. Can you help me understand what happened to me?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. First and foremost, I want to commend you for your bravery in confronting this painful memory and seeking understanding. Recognizing the impact of childhood experiences is a courageous step in the healing process.

What you've described - being repeatedly subjected to forced enemas despite your protests and distress - sounds deeply distressing and violating. The fact that you recall screaming, begging, and then dissociating (a common trauma response) underscores the emotional impact of these experiences.

It's important to note that without knowing your full medical history, it's unclear whether the enemas were medically necessary. In some cases, invasive procedures may be warranted for a child's health and well-being. However, even if the enemas were medically justified, your feelings of fear, powerlessness, and violation are still valid. A procedure can be both necessary and traumatic, and your emotional response and the harm associated with these experiences deserves to be acknowledged and respected.

If you feel safe and comfortable doing so, it may be helpful to share your feelings with your parents and ask for more information about the circumstances surrounding these events. Understanding the context and medical reasoning behind the enemas might provide some clarity and help you process the experience. However, it's important to prioritize your own emotional safety and only have this conversation if you feel supported and ready.

The flashbacks and physical sickness you mention are common symptoms of unresolved trauma. When our bodies and minds are overwhelmed by a distressing experience, the memory can get "stuck" in our nervous system, causing intrusive thoughts, sensations, and emotional reactivity. This is especially true for traumas experienced in childhood, when we lack the resources and context to fully process what's happening to us.

Please know that your feelings and the long-term impact of these experiences are valid, regardless of the medical necessity of the enemas. You deserved to have your boundaries and bodily autonomy respected, and it's not your fault that they weren't. It sounds like harm occurred here and you deserve to seek help to heal from that harm.

Healing from childhood trauma is a highly personal journey that often benefits from professional support. I encourage you to seek out a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma and medical trauma. They can provide a safe space to process your memories, validate your experiences, and work with you to develop coping strategies for managing symptoms. They may also be able to get into more specifics with you surrounding whether or not what you experienced was abuse.

Thank you so much for this question and I am sorry that I cannot provide more guidanc. However you define your experience, you are welcome here. You are not alone.

Question 19

I was kissed by someone while I was drunk. At the moment, I didn't say no and was into it. However, once the alcohol wore off, I wished it hadn't happened. When I confronted the person and told them they shouldn't have engaged sexually with someone who was drunk and that the only appropriate thing to do with a drunk person is to help them walk or get somewhere safe, they responded by saying that I was the one who approached them repeatedly and didn't let them leave, even tearing up when they tried to go. Does this justify them kissing a drunk person? Does it make them less at fault and me more responsible?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us and sharing your story. The situation you've described is complex and raises important questions about consent and responsibility when alcohol is involved. It's crucial to understand that when someone is intoxicated, their ability to give clear, informed, and enthusiastic consent is compromised. Even if a drunk person seems to be initiating or agreeing to sexual activity, it's the responsibility of the sober party to recognize that the intoxicated person is not in a state to make fully coherent decisions.

Your feelings of regret and unease after the fact are valid and important indicators that something about the situation was not right for you. It's common for people to have different perceptions and desires when they're under the influence compared to when they're sober.

The other person's response, suggesting that you were the one who pursued them and didn't let them leave, seems to be an attempt to shift the blame and responsibility onto you. While it's possible that you were more forward or emotional due to the alcohol, this does not excuse the other person's decision to engage with you sexually.

However, it's important to consider that they may have genuinely misread the situation. If you were being physically affectionate and expressing a desire for them to stay, they might have interpreted that as consent or interest in sexual activity, especially if they lacked education about consent and the impact of alcohol on one's ability to give it.

While this potential misunderstanding doesn't completely absolve them of responsibility, it does add nuance to the situation. It highlights the importance of clear, verbal communication about consent and boundaries, particularly when one or both parties are under the influence.

As the sober party, they had the responsibility to prioritize your safety and well-being, even if that meant firmly but kindly removing themselves from the situation. Kissing someone who is drunk, especially if they are showing signs of emotional distress or impaired judgment, is taking advantage of their vulnerable state.

It's important to remember that you are not responsible for what happened. Being drunk and even being flirtatious does not mean you consented to or deserved to be taken advantage of. The other person, as the sober one, had the power and the obligation to make the right choice, which would have been to not engage with you sexually.

However, it's also important to acknowledge that only you can decide how to make sense of and label this experience. If it feels like a violation or a form of assault to you, that is valid. If you're unsure or hesitant to use those terms, that is also okay. What matters most is how you feel about what happened and what kind of support you need to process it.

Consider reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to talk through your feelings. You may also find it helpful to contact a sexual assault hotline or support organization for additional processing of this situation. Remember, you deserve to have your boundaries and well-being respected, and you are not to blame for someone else's decision to take advantage of your intoxicated state. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. You are not alone.

Question 20

Is it abuse to force or pressure someone into a romantic relationship or into dating you?

Accepted Answer

Yes, forcing or pressuring someone into a romantic relationship or into dating is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation. Everyone has the right to make their own choices about relationships freely and without coercion. When someone tries to compel another person to be in a relationship against their will, it disregards their feelings and autonomy, which can lead to emotional distress and harm.

Forcing or pressuring someone into a relationship violates their fundamental right to make free choices about their romantic life. A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, trust, and enthusiastic consent, where both people freely choose to be together. When someone uses pressure tactics like guilt, threats, manipulation, or persistent demands despite hearing "no," they're overriding the other person's autonomy and right to choose. Think about it this way: If someone has to be pressured or forced into dating you, they're not genuinely consenting to the relationship. They might agree to date you to stop the pressure, avoid conflict, or prevent negative consequences - but this isn't true consent.

This kind of pressure creates an unhealthy power dynamic from the very beginning, where one person's desires and boundaries are being disregarded. Common pressure tactics often include threatening self-harm if the person won't date you, repeatedly asking after being told no, using guilt trips or emotional manipulation, making someone feel obligated due to favors or gifts, isolating them from friends and family until they agree, using their insecurities against them, or making them feel like no one else will want them. These behaviors aim to wear down someone's resistance and ability to say no freely.

Healthy relationships develop naturally, with both people feeling safe to express their true feelings without fear of consequences. Both parties should feel free to say yes or no without pressure, and those choices should be respected. If you have to force or pressure someone to be with you, that's not a real relationship - it's a form of control that undermines the very foundations that make relationships meaningful and fulfilling.

It's important to recognize that your feelings and choices about relationships are valid. You have every right to say no if you're not interested in pursuing a relationship, and that decision deserves to be respected. If you're experiencing pressure to enter or stay in a relationship, please know that this behavior is not acceptable, and you deserve to make your own choices. Thank you for this question. We appreciate you asking it.

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Questions & Answers

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Topics

Me and another 13-year-old were hanging out after school like we usually did. He asked me if I wanted to do "stuff," and I hesitated at first before saying yes. I've never told anyone. Does saying yes mean it wasn't COCSA?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA): Can a victim be older than their perpetrator?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Is it sexual assault if I said no several times, but the other person kept insisting until I eventually said yes?

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

I think I might've been groomed and sexually abused as a child, but my memory feels very scrambled. I feel guilty for thinking I might've been assaulted, what do I do?

Why can sharing your trauma story be therapeutic?

Is it abuse to force or pressure someone into a romantic relationship or into dating you?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Is it sexual assault if I said no several times, but the other person kept insisting until I eventually said yes?

Why can sharing your trauma story be therapeutic?

Me and another 13-year-old were hanging out after school like we usually did. He asked me if I wanted to do "stuff," and I hesitated at first before saying yes. I've never told anyone. Does saying yes mean it wasn't COCSA?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA): Can a victim be older than their perpetrator?

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Is it abuse to force or pressure someone into a romantic relationship or into dating you?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

I think I might've been groomed and sexually abused as a child, but my memory feels very scrambled. I feel guilty for thinking I might've been assaulted, what do I do?

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